As the world continues to grow more comfortable with discussing mental health, and utilizing resources like individual therapy; couples therapy seems to still be a mythical creature to some. People often wonder what couples therapy would actually look like, and questions the purpose, benefit, and goals. As a seasoned couples therapist who has experienced both sides of the couch, here are few important pieces to know about couples therapy.
Couples therapy is as much of an investment of your time, as it is a financial investment. This requires consistent appointments, including making time to work on things outside of the therapy office. This includes setting aside for check-ins with your partner, debriefing and following up on therapy sessions and homework, etc. If it was easy to suddenly carve out 1-2 hours of your already packed day in order to make it to a couple’s session, you would have done it already. The sacrificing and the time commitment is real. Other things in your life will likely have to take a hit to make room for the work and the repair you are trying to do in therapy. The more the crisis you are coming in with, the more the hit needed. Some people
tend to feel guilty that this work may take time away from being with their kids, or other social commitments, but the potential longterm benefits your kids and those around you much more than the short term hits.
You are in couples therapy to better understand your partner and where they are coming from. Not to win the case in a court of law, and not to convince your therapist of who is right and who is wrong. You are here to learn how to soften your approach towards your partner and vice versa. You are here to feel heard and to hear your partner. Understanding where your partner is coming and understanding why they behave in the way that they do, and demonstrating true empathy is the name of the game. If you can understand your partner’s choices and experience, that can open up a whole new conversation between each other.
While fighting and disagreements are common in couples therapy, they can become unproductive and keep you stuck. Arguments within a therapy session can be cathartic for about five minutes until everyone in the room is stuck on the hamster wheel. The goal is to move away from the typical topics and phrases and get under at the root of the emotion, the messaging, and the meaning.
Therapy works best with all of the secrets out. The therapist can only know what BOTH of the clients know. Therapy can only go so far if the therapist and one of the partners don’t have the full story about EVERYTHING. This applies to most topics including money, employment, previous trauma, previous or current significant relationships (platonic, emotional and sexual). Often what will happen, progress will be made but in time we will continue to hit a wall. Two out of three of us in the room will be really confused by it. Sometimes the start of couples work has been the motivator that people need to disclose significant things to their partner because they know it will inevitably come out along the way, or it will hinder progress.
Carve out 10-20 min after each session for a new ritual post therapy as a couple. Go for a short walk after the session for a coffee or some kind of treat. There is something to be said about self care and positive reinforcements. Arrange for going out for dinner after session. Some couples are already arranging for childcare anyway, so they just make a night of it. Other couples may be racing to get back to work, but finding a pause for a coffee together is a nice way to leave some of the rough points of a couples session behind before re-entering back into a hectic world.
This is your time. This is your relationship. 24hrs before each session, really think about what you want to get out of the next therapy session. What topics are a must? Only you know what things have been like for you in your relationship this lately. What is a situation that happened this week that you want to revisit? What are the wins you want to celebrate? And most importantly; what is a compliment/acknowledgement you want to give you partner to kick off the session.
It’s important to know the why for couples therapy. You know you’ve needed couples work for a while, so why now? There is a difference between knowing you want to go to couples, and actually making the call to schedule.Your therapist will be asking you this question. The why helps determine the direction a bit, and the why is likely connected to what your goals for therapy are. The why and the goals also serve as your reminder and motivator to keep showing up in and outside of session. Take some time to really think about your individual goals for couples, and check in with your partner to see where the goals and motivation align.
Depending where you are in considering couples therapy, some of this information may not totally make sense to you yet. In time, it will. Take this list and review it with your partner. Discussing some of these aspects of couples therapy may spark a productive conversation between the two of you and where you hope to be in your relationship.